elizabethrobertajones I just realized something that I already kind of knew, but it just punched me in the gut. Dean stood outside the Gas n’ Sip for who knows how long, not hiding, just leaning against his car while staring inside at Cas, thinking about Cas, and about how much he wished he hadn’t had to push him out of the bunker, and about how well adjusted he seemed – he had clean clothes and a job and no longer looked shabby and homeless. And good for him! The guy should catch a break. But I’m sure part of Dean was wishing that Cas hadn’t done so well for himself. That he’d been calling about a case because he wanted Dean to come collect him. I’m sure Dean spent part of the ride up there trying to compose how he would justify Cas’ return to Ezekiel, even if he knew it was just wishful thinking, it could never happen, Sam had to come first and now that Cas is all well-adjusted he doesn’t really need me anymore. I guess he really did just call for a job. But on the bright side, Cas didn’t seem to hate him for unceremoniously throwing him out of the bunker (or else why would he have called) so Dean figures at least he’ll get to spend some time with his best friend.
He had time to stand there, in broad daylight, and process (or stuff in the denial closet) everythinghe was feeling, and he was still able to surprise Cas when he strolled up behind that other customer. Because Cas couldn’t feel the longing.
I just… goddamn it this is so much more painful than it has any right to be.
I wonder if despite the illogic of it, Castiel couldn’t help but project some of that missing longing back onto his conception of Dean. He couldn’t sense these things because he was human, not because Dean’s emotions had changed, but…it’s easier to say that than it is to feel it. When Cas faced Dean for the first time without the comforting hum of Dean’s longing calling to him in the back of his mind—in the stark light of mere human sight—Dean kicked him out of the bunker. Then Dean came to Idaho, all gruff and avoidy, with no subliminal signals to give his true state away… Cas might have tried to talk himself into believing that Dean still cared, but I think deep down he might have been finding that faith to be a losing battle.
Sigh. Fuck this longing retcon. FUCK IT!
*wanders in late at night after a few glasses of wine*
*stares at this post*
*sobs*
There is a fantastic gifset somewhere of every time Cas popped up next to Dean and scared the bejeezus out of him, followed by a full-width gif of Cas looking up in alarm when Dean approaches him in 9×06 and it is without a doubt the worst gifset on this whole fucking website.
You just made it worse.
(Ms Fireintheimpala, I think we initially bonded over me pointing out how Dean was almost certainly silently begging Cas to come home with him when he said, “Where to?” at the end… Just think, if Cas had ever been able to sense longing from Dean, that would have been the time he felt it strongest. Trust me on this, I am drunk and emotionally compromised by Destiel. :P)
If Cas had been able to feel what Dean was feeling at that moment—feel the longing that was clawing its way through Dean’s heart, shouting out almost all other thoughts—they wouldn’t have made it anywhere. Castiel would have grabbed on to Dean Winchester right then and there and confessed that that was where he wanted to go. To Dean, wherever Dean was.
But instead Castiel’s human mind was a stifling and contradictory whirl of silence and noise. Silence from the closed off man next to him, and surging noise from within himself.
#the noise inside himself is his own longing #shhh, it’s great #or at least it would be if i had time to write another paragraph #but i don’t, i gotta run! #imagine the beautiful symmetry though #that part of what blinds Castiel is..is…his own *longing*
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