awed-frog:

Sometimes I have the stupid idea of compiling a list of moments that fucked me up or left me speechless or broke my heart or all of the above, and then I get to item one –

– and, yeah. No way I’ll ever be able to finish this. Because item two would have to be –

– and then I’d have to stop and think, so, Cas learned how to wink from Dean, didn’t he, simply because he learned how to do everything by watching Dean, and if so, what would he make of it? He’d notice that Dean winks at everybody, men and women and people he wants to bed and people he’s trying to be friendly with and people he doesn’t care about but needs in some way, because that’s who Dean is and flirting is his default functioning mode. And I’m not sure that S9!Cas understood that a wink was bizarrely inappropriate – or, well: really meaningful – in that context, but endverse!Cas knows exactly what he’s doing, and the question is, was that wink a secret message between them, a quiet, Hey, or was it a We’re having an orgy, wanna join us babe? or maybe it was simply a Life, uh? This is all I’ve got now, and it’s decadent and unhealthy, but who the hell cares? This part’s actually great and this is the point where my path darkens, because how well does Dean remember endverse!Cas and does he think on some level that this is who Cas will become if he Falls, apocalypse or no apocalypse? Simply because Cas is used to absolutes and needs something bigger than himself to lose himself into and can’t stand to be alone inside his own mind for long periods of time and if so, is this why Dean’s trying so hard to keep Cas just as he is? Because if Cas’ still the BAMF, impatient, I don’t understand that reference seraph Dean first met in a warded barn, that means Cas’ okay, that Dean didn’t break him, and he can sleep a bit more easily because, yeah, it’s his fault his father’s dead and his mother walked away from him and his brother’s messed up and unhappy and alone because Dean failed him, but Cas – Cas is exactly that creature he was before he met me, okay, Cas’ not doing drugs and Cas’ not disillusioned and dented and shattered from the inside out like everything else I touch, Cas is –

(not mine)

– Cas is okay, and that’s the one thing I didn’t screw up, and thank God.

[gifs by @timetraveldean, here]