hexcoderose:

madlori:

tzikeh:

severus-snape-is-a-butt-trumpet:

is there a word for “i was instantly good at a lot of things as a quote-unquote gifted child, and, as a result, i was able to skate by without ever being taught how to actually learn a new skill, and now that i’m an adult trying to learn new things that i can’t be good at instantaneously, i don’t have the patience or knowledge to improve on them, because skills that don’t come naturally to me just make me angry because i lived off instant gratification my whole childhood due to not ever being challenged intellectually or taught basic learning skills?” asking for a friend

Yes–it’s called the Curse of the Gifted Child, and it’s overwhelmingly common in adults who were the “gifted and talented” kids, and it leads to disproportionate levels of anxiety is smart adults. It’s why all educators and family therapists who are current in the research try so hard to spread the word that parents and teachers should praise children for trying, for working hard, for persevering, for thinking for themselves, and NOT praise them for their inborn intelligence or talent.

Adults fuck kids up so hard by praising something that the kids a) have no control over, and b) won’t itself improve over time (i.e. the level of giftedness doesn’t go up as we age, and eventually we find ourselves coming up to its limits). And our (I’m assuming you’re American) education system is so broken that we can’t do right by our gifted students in entirely different ways than how we can’t do right by our struggling students, or our students with other needs. It’s a fucking miracle that students on either side of “average” learn anything useful at all, and if they do it is 100% guaranteed that it’s due to a spectacular teacher finding ways to get their students involved intellectually and creatively in spite of, not thanks to, the system.

If you have kids or work with kids, take a moment and think about whether you compliment them on their innate gifts–“You’re so smart/talented!” or on what they actually do–“That was good/hard work you did!” This applies to all kids who do anything that comes easily for them: playing the violin, learning a second language, throwing/hitting/fielding a ball, etc. Replace “Wow, you’re so talented!” with “Your practicing has really paid off! You should be proud of how hard you worked!”

Praise ALL kids for not giving up if something is hard, even if they don’t get an A (or a B or even a C for that matter). “I know this isn’t the grade you wanted, but I saw that you worked at it, and that’s what’s going to make the next assignment a little easier.”

For gifted and talented kids, praise them for stretching themselves. Help them find challenging things to do. START EARLY, because, as the original poster says (and so many more of us feel), if we can skate through our first 18 years of life without being intellectually challenged, the rest of our LIFE is going to be very, very anxiety-inducing, difficult, and intellectually and emotionally overwhelming.

In the grown-up world, self-respect gets you further than self-esteem. “I can probably do a good job at this if I work at it” is the result of focusing solely on a kid’s self-respect. “Everything is so easy for me because I’m gifted/talented wait this is hard and so is this and I can’t do anything and I’m afraid to try because what if I fail I’ve never failed and my entire understanding of my own worth as a human being is that I don’t fail” is what comes from focusing solely on a kid’s self-esteem. Self-respect, learned over time, will bring self-esteem with it naturally. Self-esteem, learned over time, is separate from self-respect and, without the balance, just brings pain and misery and mental breakdowns when the adult hits the hard limit of the gift or the talent.

Ask me how I know. Then ask me why I’ve become a full-time tutor.

listen to tzikeh. tzikeh is good, tzikeh is wise.

Also basically every person I’ve ever met who has had this happen has also been neurodivergent, in which case they fall into a category called “twice exceptional”, which has it’s own challenges to deal with.