toodomforyou:

Hi. So this may be a dumb question but im not sure if im the problem or not. Whenever i go to my Dom with an issue i need to talk about or im having an emergency or even if im in the middle of a panic attack or anxiety attack he tells me he cant help me or he will dissappear and not respond. The next day he wont ask how im doing or if the situation was resolved, he will just yell at me and tell me i have a bad attitude or im pushing him away or something to that affect. He will tell me he cant “do this anymore” and get angry at me. I asked several times if he wants me to stop coming to him with any issues i have and he says no, but i dont know what else to do since when i try to lean on my Dom as i see other subs do, it turns out to be a conversation about how bad i am and i end up apologizing. I already have major self esteem issues and this makes me feel worthless because i cant have what i see other subs get. Im wondering if im just an issue a problem that needs to be fixed or does he hold any accountability at all? Please help.

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Hi, @collard-n-leashed! What you are describing is most definitely a problem with your dominant, not with you.

See, a lot of dominants get into this lifestyle expecting that they will get infinite freedom to do what they want with their partners, while not having any accountability or responsibility. Obviously, that’s not a realistic expectation and it’s not how this lifestyle works. I’ve said this before many times but I’ll say it again: being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility.

Your dominant seems to feel like your problems and your feelings are not part of his responsibility. That’s just not true. In a committed d/s relationship, our submissives’ problems are our problems. Our submissives’ feelings matter. When our partners are having a tough time, we expect them to lean on us to help them through. That’s part of the deal. It’s no different from any other relationship in that regard, but the level of responsibility is increased in this sort of relationship.

The fact the he’s actually getting angry at you for sharing your feelings and your problems with him is a huge issue. If he doesn’t want a partner who does these things, he needs to make that clear up front before someone makes an emotional investment in him. It’s not unreasonable for you to expect that you will be able to have the same resource in him that other submissives have in their dominant partners. Furthermore, his turning it around on you and making you feel like a bad person for sharing these things with him is a huge red flag and is classic abusive behavior. At best, he is not equipped to handle you. At worst, he’s emotionally abusing you.

He needs to understand that this is not ok. He needs to understand that there are expectations and responsibilities that a dominant has to be willing to bear. Honestly he sounds like he’s not ready for this type of relationship, and if you want my real advice, you should leave his ass right now and find someone worthy of you. But if you do insist on giving him another chance, please show him this and let him know that this is coming from an experienced dominant. When I first started out, I didn’t understand this either. It was a hard lesson to learn and unfortunately, learning it took hurting someone who didn’t deserve it. I don’t want to see the same thing happen to you. If you want to give him another chance, he needs to change *now*. You should ever be apologizing for who you are or how you feel. You should never be apologizing for sharing your problems with your partner. That’s what we do. We face our problems together. Your problems are his and vice-versa. If he isn’t prepared for that, the honorable thing to do would be to tell you so and step away graciously.

Please don’t let him make you feel bad anymore. Nobody deserves that, and right now he doesn’t deserve you. Whether or not he is willing to step up and be a better partner, that’s for him to decide and you to judge. But don’t let this continue, no matter what you decide to do.

Best of luck on your path!

-LMS