Red Flags for Abuse; their actions, your feelings

all-about-abuse:

I’m always a bit hesitant to post list-format posts about abuse because the points can easily be decontextualized and misinterpreted. At the same time, the information generally available for recognizing early warning signs of abuse is fairly limited in scope and I’d like to expand on it. 

These are red flags, not necessarily concrete indicators that an individual is going to be abusive or is abusing you already. Lists like this one are just one tool and need to be considered in context along with other factors. I also recommend reading the post ‘defining abuse’ which puts bullet-point lists in their proper context, click here to read it. 

Some of these really need their own posts and I’ll definitely do that, so keep an eye out as I’ll be linking these extended posts back in here. This list is divided into two parts; the potential abuser’s behaviour, and your feelings. 

Red Flags For An Abuser: Their Behaviour

• They don’t respect your boundaries; it doesn’t matter how small an issue it is, someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries regarding small things probably won’t respect them regarding big things because they don’t respect you

• Cruel, backhanded or snide comments; some friends and family members riff on each other and that’s fine, as long as everyone agrees and is happy with it. But someone who does this knowing it hurts you (such as if you’ve asked them to stop and they haven’t) probably doesn’t care about your feelings.

• Gossiping about other people; while we generally don’t admit it, most of us talk about other people “behind their back” – that is, without their knowledge. This isn’t a problem in itself (how else would you compare notes when arranging a birthday gift or party, for example?) but it becomes a problem when the conversation is constantly focused on other people, picking apart their behaviour, criticizing them, mocking them, making fun of them etc. If someone you know is constantly picking apart someone they claim to care about, that’s a pretty major red flag not just that they’re mistreating that person but that they’re abusive in general and are doing the same thing about you behind your back

• Gossiping about you; some people don’t even try to hide the fact that they’re gossiping behind your back, and this can be very confusing. If you find out that someone is saying things about you that are mean spirited, overly critical and negative, that’s a major red flag, whether they try to hide it or not.

• Sharing personal information about you without or against your consent; this sounds obvious but it can be difficult to pick up on because abusers are so good at justifying their behaviour. They say things like “I didn’t realize it was a secret”. “I thought they knew already”, “it was my story too” (such as accompanying you to a Drs appointment or helping you come out to your parents). These statements can be very convincing, but if you have an uncomfortable feeling that something is not quite right, take some time to think about it and ask yourself why.

• Putting you in harms way repeatedly and/or with no remorse; anyone who cares about you will care about your safety. Drink driving, using drugs at inappropriate times, leaving you stranded or alone in an unsafe situations, driving erratically/in an unsafe way, or doing things that puts you in danger generally. 

• Expecting you to do all the giving while they take; this is another broad topic that really needs its own post, but to give a few examples, do you find that you end up having to pay for your food/activities/etc most of the time? Do they promise they’ll pay you back and never do it? Do you find yourself being pressured to make sacrifices for them when they don’t make any for you? Think about your relationship with them and consider who gets given the most and who’s doing the giving. If you’re the giver, you may well be being used

• Using you for their own gain, period; there are all types of things people use others for, such as friends/social capital, connections, knowledge, money, drugs/alcohol, confidence, company … the ‘what’ isn’t really the point, the problem is when their real motivation for spending time with you is getting what they want rather than your relationship

• Interfering with your other relationships/finding that your other relationships have deteriorated because of their influence; this also needs it own paragraph, but a few examples include; forcing themselves into your friend group while never introducing you to their friends, causing arguments between you and your friends/family, getting their friends or your friends to gang up on you, and essentially orchestrating situations where they’re in control of your other relationships and you’re left with no support network after their devastation (this is social abuse). 

• Being shamed, shouted down or guilted for discussing your feelings; abusers often do this when you try to address their behaviour, and some may even do it any time you say something they don’t like. If you tell them someone they know did something abusive or hurtful, they may shout you down and call you ‘hysterical’, ‘overly sensitive’ and the like. This is often true for ideas and beliefs too; if you disagree with them, they may act like you’re hurting them. If you ask them not to mention a certain person because that person hurt you, they may even label you as abusive. 

Red Flags For An Abuser: Your Feelings

One of the most important but often overlooked aspects of dealing with abuse is considering your own feelings. If you’re already a survivor, this may be more difficult as the red flags listed above may seem normal. On the other side of the coin, you may feel that you have so much experience with abusers, you could recognize them from a while away. While this is often true, we may become over confident in our abilities or fail to recognize abusers who operate in very different ways to the person/s who abused us. For example, we may be used to dealing with violent men and believe we’re very knowledgeable about abuse, but be unaware of what abuse looks like when the perpetrator is a woman using psychological manipulation, emotional abuse and social exclusion. 

• You feel uneasy around them, as if you’re “walking on eggshells” trying to prevent an abusive incident; while this incident is often thought of as an explosion of anger, it’s just as often a more subtle form of abuse, e.g. you may be afraid to contradict them because you have reason to believe they’ll out you to your family

• You often feel hurt by the things they say about you, your family, or those you care about; even if you complain about your annoying  little brother or vent about an argument you had with your partner from time to time, that doesn’t give anyon else the right to say negative things about them – though be aware that concern about how someone is treating you can come across as judgement (unfortunately, abusers do use accusations of abuse to isolate victims e.g. claiming the victim is an abuser, or that the victim’s partner is an abuser)

• You’re tired/exhausted from listening to their problems and giving them advice, and find that they rarely offer you the same kind of support

• You feel as though nothing you do is ever good enough for them, and no matter what you do for them, it’s always wrong. 

• They’re either worshiping you on a pedestal or treating you like garbage; while there are mental health issues and neurodivergency that can involve this type of thinking (which is called ‘black and white thinking’) for abusers, this is actually about dehumanizing you. Viewing you as being trash enables them to hurt you while protecting their conscience and self image, and putting you on a pedestal ensures that you’ll always let them down – since no one is perfect – and they’ll have something to blame you for. 

• You feel that you’re having to dedicate a lot of time to thinking about how to please them, to do things for them, and to maintain your relationship/prevent them from hurting you; relationships of all kinds should be a two way street, and you should not feel exhausted trying to maintain a friendship or relationship

• You feel the need to prove to other people that they’re actually treating you well; this is often a manifestation of denial, and if other people have expressed concerns about how they’re treating you, its important to consider whether they may be right
  
  
• You feel pressured or coerced into doing things you don’t want to do; like the boundaries issue mentioned previously, there’s no acceptable level of pressure or coercion. If they’re coercing or pressuring you into doing things, they don’t respect you. 

• You feel anxious, depressed, hopeless, alone etc many of us struggle with these feelings in general, but if you feel them a lot more since this person came into your life in a major way, it’s definitely a good idea to consider if they’re related

• You feel that they’re subtly undermining you, playing mind games with you, or gaslighting you; this is another huge subject that needs its own post but basically, abusers are a bit like termites; they weaken the various structures in your life in secret and you often only find out about it when it all comes crashing down around you. 

I hope this list is helpful, please keep in mind that lists like this are only a starting point and should not be used as a stand-alone tool in determining whether or not you’re dealing with an abuser. You can view a variety of other resources here, and the post about defining abuse is essential reading (click here to read it).