Yep. Definitely gonna do it. This is a good night for it.
I know some of y’all figured this out by now. Those of you who had “LMS is gonna finally reveal the recipe for the best dish on planet Earth”, CONGRATU-FUCKIN-LATIONS, you were absolutely right. Buckle up and get ready for some life-changing knowledge
STEP ONE: cut up a shitload of carrots, celery, and an onion. Cut them thin, but not too thin. You want the sauce to have a little bit of chunk to it. Not the onion though. Cut that shit super thin. Ain’t nobody wants a big ass bite of thick onion.
STEP TWO: mix the carrots, onions, and celery together in a bowl and let them chill out on the counter for a bit. We’ll be getting back to these momentarily.
STEP THREE: cut up a pound of bacon. Yeah, a whole goddamn pound. Not like a piece or two. Just throw the whole package in there. Then sauté that in a pan with a stick of butter.
Stir until brown.
STEP 4: Turn on some 80’s music. If you have an Alexa in your house, tell her you want 80’s pop. This will be important later.
STEP FIVE: Pull the bacon out of the sauté pan, set aside, but don’t drain the pan. Leave the bacon grease and butter in there. It’s fucking delicious and I didn’t say this was the healthiest recipe on planet earth. Just the best. Anyway, in the pan with the bacon grease, stir in the carrot/onion/celery mixture, which I will be calling mirepoix from now on because I know my shit. Then pour some olive oil on top of it. Sauté it until the mirepoix is nice and soft.
STEP SIX: stir the bacon and the mirepoix together and set that aside. Then grab two pounds of ground beef. Two whole pounds. Maybe more if you hate cows. I don’t though. Cows always seemed pretty chill. Anyway, brown the beef in the leftover bacon grease/butter/olive oil that was left behind from the mirepoix.
Once it’s brown, drain all the liquid.
STEP SEVEN: grab a bottle of cheap ass Pinot Grigio. Nothing expensive. We’re cooking with this. Seriously don’t pay more than 5 bucks. Open the bottle, pour 1 and ¾ cup into the pan with the beef. Pour the rest in a glass.
STEP EIGHT: Chug the glass of wine. This ain’t sipping wine. This is chugging wine. Because you are a grown ass adult, this shouldn’t take more than one or two big drinks.
STEP NINE: if “Thriller” has come up on your 80’s playlist by this point, you have to do the zombie dance. It helps the food taste better.
STEP 10: once the wine has reduced with the beef, pour the beef into a big ass pot and mix it together with the mirepoix and about a cup and a half of chicken broth and 6 tablespoons of tomato paste.
Bring it to a low boil for some reason and then knock the stove back down to like a 2. Let it sit for a good solid 45 minutes, but for fuck’s sake stir it a bunch.
STEP…ELEVEN? Is this step 11? I think that’s right. Anyway, stir some nutmeg in there. Don’t overdo it. You want just like a tiny hint of it. But since this is a big ass recipe, you also don’t want to under-do it. Just sprinkle some in there and use your best judgment.
STEP TWELVE: put some pasta in a separate pot. No, don’t make your own pasta. Fuck whatever Gordon Ramsey says, he’s not here and this is already a big enough pain in the ass. Just buy some pasta and put it in some boiling water. Then go play Diablo with your partner while you wait on everything
STEP THIRTEEN: if at any point the Bangles’ “Walk like an Egyptian” comes on and your partner does the dance with no prompting from you, slap them on the ass and tell them you love them
STEP FOURTEEN: about 10 minutes before you are going to serve dinner, turn the stove down to the lowest setting and stir a pint of heavy whipping cream into the sauce
DO NOT LET THIS FUCKING BURN
STEP 15: serve over pasta with some parmasean cheese and a gigantic glass of wine. Eat, drink, make shitty jokes with whoever you love the most and enjoy life.
Congrats on making the very best dish that mankind ever conceived, and you are absolutely welcome for how impressed your loved one is with you right now.
@lovemysub and @belovedsangi I would like to make a Lake House visit request please because OH MY GODDDDD.
We can definitely Bolognese it up in that bitch just for you @danipup 😘
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