to constantly bring up the use of sex-denial as an abuse tactic in discussions about asexuals dating non-asexuals is to carefully try and associate the two in people’s minds.
this is a concept i’ve been looking for the words for for days now.
to be honest, this was the unspoken main point of many of the arguments i’ve made up until now.
and i’m glad i was finally able to put my finger on it and say it concisely.
this is not a new idea. I’ve heard, from straight people, for years, that if i were to date a “normal” person, I’d be abusing them. Just for being asexual. And in a relationship they consented to being in and are in no obligation to stay in. Suggesting that sex-repulsed people are abusing their partners is far from new.
ooh hoo I have a lot of thoughts about this. cw for discussions of domestic abuse, sexual assault, rape.
forcing sex on anyone w/out consent or by coercion is rape.
queer/asexual/bisexual people are already at greater risk for intimate domestic abuse. we are MORE LIKELY to be raped or assaulted by a partner than other demographics simply because of our identities.
framing asexuality as inherently abusive is a form of violence against asexual people, many of whom are also queer/abuse survivors/women/neurodivergent.
denial of sex AS AN ABUSE TACTIC is part and parcel with other forms of abuse- denial of emotional intimacy, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. it is meant to extract something from the partner being targeted, or to break down their willpower. it must have the effect and intention of deliberately hurting the partner, then after the partner caves the sex will be given again.
nobody in any relationship is required to have sex with anyone, at any time. that’s why marital rape exists as a concept. you are the sole owner and arbiter of your own body. you do not OWE sex to anybody. you choose to have sex with a partner when and if you both consent to it.
if you don’t want to be in a relationship with a person who doesn’t want or can’t have sex, who has a low libido, who doesn’t want to have the kind of sex that you enjoy, then DON’T get into a relationship with them. It’s that simple. same if you realize you and your partner’s sexual needs don’t align later on. either find a compromise that works for both parties, or break up.
asexual people aren’t abusing anyone simply by existing. we aren’t trying to ‘trap’ anyone into an unpleasant relationship. we all deserve to have our needs met, but it’s absolutely essential to have your partner’s needs respected too.
^^^^^^
This. framing asexuals and arospec folks as abusive by denying sex for existing as they are is two things in one:
2.
An identity attack via weaponizing the victim’s very own identity to gaslight/neg them into sex COMBINED WITH another violently disgusting Identity attack via script-flipping-based, smokescreen for projecting the -actual abuser’s- entitlement ONTO the victim, so that victim looks like the bad guy and therefore deserves to be coerced until they give in, or abused, or tricked and/or have thier bodies forced upon, because thier partner/friend/whoever wants to have sex with them so OBVIOUSLY they deserve to and the ace/bi person’s Just Being Really Mean By Refusing To Fuck Them!! Waah!
™
And yes, I am speaking from experience. i’ve had to throw out a garbage man from my life who was once a friend of almost 20 yrs for this exact fuckery. Real turd in the pillow.
It’s another facet of Rape Culture based entitlement and we see this fuckety-ass batshit flung at Queer/Bi/Acespec and Arospec folks all the goddamn time.
this is a post from that era of discourse i’ve been discussing a lot today.
just to give everyone a feel of what we were saying about it at the time.
It always comes down to the fact that we are not perceived as sexually available. Always. That’s why they hate us.
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