Hi. So this may be a dumb question but im not sure if im the problem or not. Whenever i go to my Dom with an issue i need to talk about or im having an emergency or even if im in the middle of a panic attack or anxiety attack he tells me he cant help me or he will dissappear and not respond. The next day he wont ask how im doing or if the situation was resolved, he will just yell at me and tell me i have a bad attitude or im pushing him away or something to that affect. He will tell me he cant “do this anymore” and get angry at me. I asked several times if he wants me to stop coming to him with any issues i have and he says no, but i dont know what else to do since when i try to lean on my Dom as i see other subs do, it turns out to be a conversation about how bad i am and i end up apologizing. I already have major self esteem issues and this makes me feel worthless because i cant have what i see other subs get. Im wondering if im just an issue a problem that needs to be fixed or does he hold any accountability at all? Please help.
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Hi, @collard-n-leashed! What you are describing is most definitely a problem with your dominant, not with you.
See, a lot of dominants get into this lifestyle expecting that they will get infinite freedom to do what they want with their partners, while not having any accountability or responsibility. Obviously, that’s not a realistic expectation and it’s not how this lifestyle works. I’ve said this before many times but I’ll say it again: being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility.
Your dominant seems to feel like your problems and your feelings are not part of his responsibility. That’s just not true. In a committed d/s relationship, our submissives’ problems are our problems. Our submissives’ feelings matter. When our partners are having a tough time, we expect them to lean on us to help them through. That’s part of the deal. It’s no different from any other relationship in that regard, but the level of responsibility is increased in this sort of relationship.
The fact the he’s actually getting angry at you for sharing your feelings and your problems with him is a huge issue. If he doesn’t want a partner who does these things, he needs to make that clear up front before someone makes an emotional investment in him. It’s not unreasonable for you to expect that you will be able to have the same resource in him that other submissives have in their dominant partners. Furthermore, his turning it around on you and making you feel like a bad person for sharing these things with him is a huge red flag and is classic abusive behavior. At best, he is not equipped to handle you. At worst, he’s emotionally abusing you.
He needs to understand that this is not ok. He needs to understand that there are expectations and responsibilities that a dominant has to be willing to bear. Honestly he sounds like he’s not ready for this type of relationship, and if you want my real advice, you should leave his ass right now and find someone worthy of you. But if you do insist on giving him another chance, please show him this and let him know that this is coming from an experienced dominant. When I first started out, I didn’t understand this either. It was a hard lesson to learn and unfortunately, learning it took hurting someone who didn’t deserve it. I don’t want to see the same thing happen to you. If you want to give him another chance, he needs to change *now*. You should ever be apologizing for who you are or how you feel. You should never be apologizing for sharing your problems with your partner. That’s what we do. We face our problems together. Your problems are his and vice-versa. If he isn’t prepared for that, the honorable thing to do would be to tell you so and step away graciously.
Please don’t let him make you feel bad anymore. Nobody deserves that, and right now he doesn’t deserve you. Whether or not he is willing to step up and be a better partner, that’s for him to decide and you to judge. But don’t let this continue, no matter what you decide to do.
We’ve bought a new house. And our new next door neighbours (two delightful gentlemen) will not stop being nice.
– bought us a seagull proof refuse bag (yes, they are actual things)
– loaned us garden tools when we didn’t have any
– invited us around for Friday night drinks so we could meet the other people on the lane
– one of them brought me a bunch of sweetpea flowers that he’d picked from his garden
– and tomorrow he’s coming to cut our hedge for us with his electric hedge trimmer thing idk, and all I have to do is hold the ladder.
Basically, I am UNSETTLED and am now having to enter into an arms race of niceness and I am already so behind oh god.
Long story short – I just baked a lemon drizzle cake, and it looks great but I can’t even eat it because MR AND MR NICE MUST RECEIVE AN OFFERING.
ABSOLUTE CRISIS I GAVE THEM THE LEMON DRIZZLE AND THEN THEY INVITED ME IN TO HAVE A SLICE AND A COFFEE WITH THEM AND GAVE ME A TOUR OF THEIR HOUSE AND LET ME HOLD THEIR PUPPY. AND THEN THEY CAME AROUND TO HELP ME BAG UP THE HEDGE CLIPPINGS. THESE MEN ARE NICENESS PROS AND I CANNOT WIN.
HELPWE HAD AN HOUR LONG POWER CUT ON THE STREET AND IN THAT TIME THE OTHER MR NICE CAME AROUND WITH MATCHES AND CANDLES ‘JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN’T HAVE ANY’. IT WAS BARELY DARK.
BASTARDS – I’M GOING TO HAVE TO HOST A DINNER PARTY AREN’T I?
The Gay Agenda, everyone.
this is fucking i n c r e d i b l e
Imagine your otps
Just so everyone knows –
Mr and Mr Nice moved out around Christmas time 2016. (Further proof that 2016 was a cursed year)
We are still in touch and have been to visit them in their new house. They moved to gain some land, they have sheep aspirations for some reason. I love them.
We have new neighbours. I am currently engaged in a slow burn of niceness, which you can bet that I am going to crank up to the max when we move down permanently in June.
I WILL BE THE NICE ONE THIS TIME. PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE. NO MERCY.
I feel like this might be how the cycle started in the first place
so a racist got utterly demolished in less than 30 seconds on the New Zealand morning news on Monday and it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen
who knew a white guy could be capable of such an iconic response, he knows what’s up and is having none of that shit, every other white guy take notes tbh
I love that he said Pakeha
Can someone write what its being said in this?
Male co-host: We have had a whole heap of feedback regarding
Te Tai Tokerau MP Kelvin Davis’s proposal to institute a prison run on Māori
values into New Zealand. He’s looking at potentially establishing this prison
up north. It isn’t Labour policy just yet, it’s just an idea of Kelvin Davis’s.
And this has been really really divisive on our Facebook page this morning. (sarcastically)
Here I think we have the single greatest email, the single greatest message we
have ever had on breakfast.
(clears throat deliberately) “’Janice’ says: Good morning. I’m
sick of hearing that Māori need different treatment. If they don’t want to live
in our society, then maybe we should put them all on an island and leave them
to it.”
Male co-host: “Janice. That is LITERALLY what happened! That
is the history of our country. Last I checked, Māori WERE on an island, they
were left to it, and then Pākehā (Māori term for white New Zealanders) turned
up and look how that worked out. But thank you very much for that brilliant
insight. Goodness me. Unbelievable. Unbelievable, they actually-“
Female co-host: “Actually, you can’t even get angry, you
just actually need to laugh and then screw it up and put it under the desk.
Just when you thought-“
Male co-host: (mimicking letter) “’Put them all on an
island, leave them to it.’ Yeah. What a great idea that is Janice.
I really need “What a great idea that is, Janice.” to be a meme filled with those stupid complete cognitive dissonance bigoted statements.
bigots be out there saying stupid shit like that all day every day so pls feel free to use this image when they do
If your argument against gun control goes like this “what if a bad guy has a gun I need one to defend myself” then you’re already stating that a gun is a threat to the safety of those nearby. You’re tickling your ego by thinking you with your gun will be faster and smarter than the bad guy and frankly my life is not worth testing out your bullshit attitude. You already know guns are bad, you just think you with a gun is better. If they shoot you or you shoot them that’s the same number of people killed. You still believe guns are dangerous you just wanna feel cool idk what to tell you champ just stop sniffing the glue.
You put this into words way better than I could have
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