OBGYN: Yeah, you are exhibiting all the signs of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I’m so sorry.
Me: Huh? Oh, yeah. Insulin resistance, impossible weight loss, pre-disposition to type II diabetes, painful AF periods. Likelihood of bleed outs. Crap. That blows.
OBGYN: Yeah, well that too.
Me: *blinks* What?
OBGYN: Well, PCOS makes it very difficult for a woman to conceive and carry.
Me: BWHAHAHAHA. Yeah. No. No babies. Ever. Never wanted them. At all. Maternal instinct is not strong with this one. Only upside today.
OBGYN: Well then. Not exactly problem solved, but we’ll run with it.
Me: So about the MIND-SEARING PAIN and occasional HEAVY AF BLEEDING. When can we deal with that.
OBGYN: Not until you are 35.
Me: Dah fuq?
OBGYN: Not my rules. Hospitalization won’t even consider any treatment unless it’s life or death until you’re 35.
Me: Why?
OBGYN: Because you might want to have a baby.
Me: I’m 31. I didn’t want kids when I was 11, I didn’t want them at 21, and I sure as shit don’t want them now. Can’t I just sign a form that says “I don’t ever want a baby take it out, take it out now”?
OBGYN: Nope.
Me: Why?
OBGYN: Government rules. No removal of baby making parts before 35 unless your life is in immediate jeopardy.
TL;DR: The government knows better about your baby making parts than you do.
This is just evil. They are literally refusing to treat a potentially life-threatening condition, not just without the patient’s consent but despite the patient’s protest. Evil.
According to the National Women’s Health Network, there’s no legal age restriction- “Technically, any woman of legal age can consent to the procedure, but it should be medically justified. It’s incredibly unlikely that a doctor will perform a hysterectomy on women ages 18-35 unless it is absolutely necessary for their well-being and no other options will suffice.” Of course, this is in the US. Other countries may have different rules.
If you’re in the US and your OBGYN says “government says no,” look for a new one because they lied to you. If your OBGYN says that “hospital says no,” look for a new one because this one doesn’t respect your bodily autonomy. It is true that most surgeons don’t like to perform hysterectomies until you’re in your late 30s at the earliest, but a respectful surgeon will listen to their patient and not just write them off. Sexism in hospitals is alive and well– and it’s not just anecdotal evidence. There’s been a history of looking at it academically/professionally since the 70s (look into Mary Halas as a good place to start if you’re curious), and it crops up all the time in articles in the Journal of Women’s Health and Women’s Health Issues, and the International Journal of Women’s Health all of which are peer-reviewed, well-respected medical journals. It’s absolutely a real thing.
Anyways, I guess what I’m getting at is this: here’s a list of doctors (mostly US-centric) who perform different sterilization surgeries without giving their patients trouble. While even a surgeon on this list might caution anyone under 35 away from a hysterectomy, at the end of the day it’s yourbody and your pain. (And some of the docs here have been known to perform hysterectomies on people in their 20s with no fuss.) While this list won’t be practical for everyone- after all, medical treatment is ridiculously expensive in this country, it might help someone.
Holy shit fam Holy S H I T
SIGN ME THE FUCK UP I’VE BEEN TOLD THIS IS NOT ALLOWED FOR YEARS
Oh god
QUICK REMINDER THAT I HAD A HYSTERECTOMY A FEW DAYS AFTER MY 26TH BIRTHDAY B/C I HAD CANCER AND I DID EXACTLY THIS. I HAD A DOCTOR WHO DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT AND THEN I WENT TO A NEW DOCTOR AND AFTERWARDS SHE MORE OR LESS SAID MY LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN IN DANGER HAD I NOT DONE IT.
Sometimes it’s not the doctor, it’s the hospital. For example, my OBGYN worked at a Catholic hospital, so they couldn’t perform any type of sterilization onsite unless it was an emergency situation.
So if your doc feeds you this BS line about not being allowed to, ASK IF IT’S THE HOSPITAL POLICY. If it is, ask if they are able to perform the procedure elsewhere. If they are not, ASK FOR A REFERRAL.
I was 28 years old when my OBGYN explained that he wasn’t allowed to perform a sterilization procedure onsite, and then he proceeded to tell me what a crock of shit it was and referred me to someone else who was able to. And even though I was under 30, his referral listed me as “an ideal candidate” for the procedure.
If they pass off this line and insist when you know otherwise, FIND A NEW DOCTOR.
What the fuck even is wrong with so many people in the USA? I am so appalled.
I realize this might be a shock to hear. You grew up in or after the Think Of The Children™ and It Takes A Village™ era. It’s possible your mommies and daddies took you everywhere — bars, tattoo parlors, $100-a-plate restaurants, cocktail parties — without regard to how well you behaved. You concluded, therefore, you were welcome everywhere, and that all adults, everywhere, must cater to your presence or they’re just a bunch of big ol’ meanieheads.
Free clue: You are not, in fact, welcome everywhere. Nor is every single place, whether in meatspace or on the internet, obliged to think of you and your needs before anyone else’s.
Because adults have our needs, too. And, yes, writing stuff that gets us off or otherwise tickles our fancy is a need for some of us.
Here’s another free clue: Every single adult you encounter is, likewise, not obliged to but your needs first and foremost. Including… women. Strangers on the internet who happen to be women are not your mommies, not your aunties, not your big sisters, not your therapists. They did not sign up for the job of protecting and coddling your precious little asses. Not even the ones who have children themselves. The only ones they’re obliged to look out for are their kids.
I’m not one of those women. I never wanted children, I don’t care that much for children, and I feel absolutely no responsibility to mother them myself. If a minor whines at me for not making them my highest priority, I block them with extreme prejudice.
I can hear you gasping in shock right now. But the idea that women are obliged to nurture everyone out there is a really, really regressive idea. Oh, I can see how it gained currency on a site where the “social justice” crowd thinks that nail polish is feminist, Hades was Mr. Right and Demeter was an abusive mother, and if you’re a not-very-feminine woman you can’t be a cis woman. It’s bullshit, peddled by dipshits who don’t want to examine their underlying beliefs but who want cookies for being all moral and upright.
Now, getting back to spaces. You are not categorically unwelcome on fanart and fanfic websites. Many of them are considered perfectly safe in their entirety for your delicate little psyches. Others are a mix. If you go, for example, to AO3, and you see a fic rated G (general audiences) or T (teen)? You can read it.
If, however, you see a fic that is rated M for mature or E for explicit… or it has all those terrible tags like “Rape,” “Noncon,” “Dubcon,” or whatever else sends you into a shaking ’n’ crying fit? You have two choices:
1. Don’t click through.
2. Click through and pretend you’re an adult. Which means:
a. Don’t tell the author or the other commenters your age.
b. If you liked the story at all, feel free to give feedback about it.
c. If you didn’t like the story and it upset you, take responsibility for having clicked through, then go do some self-care.
Note that none of the above options include “Click through, get offended, whine at the author for having written something that upsets you, and maybe get a posse of your fellow antis together to hound the author off the internet.”
Those tags? Those were all the author owed their audience. Those tags give you the information you need not to click through if you don’t want to be offended, triggered, or disturbed by the fic. You do not have the right to insist that the fic not exist in a public forum.
As for “protecting young women and girls” blah de fucking blah: again, you are not going after abusers. And there’s another very regressive meme: that by policing the shit out of women’s self-expression, you can “protect” them. Nope. You protect them from abusers by targeting the abusers. And writing something “problematic” isn’t abuse. Because fiction isn’t reality and depiction isn’t endorsement.
I always took the “It takes a village to raise a child.” as “If you see a kid or teen acting out and behaving badly and their parents aren’t anywhere in sight, nearby adults may feel free to give them a serious talking to and to tell them to mind their manners.”
i didnt realise ao3 was started in response to lj deleting account relating to p//edophi|ia and they explicitly support the posting of such works yikes
it wasn’t, like, ~~~we luv pedophilia, it was way more complicated than that!
although it’s true AO3 does allow all fannish content provided it’s properly warned for, there’s a long history there – of spaces being used by fans until the host decided whatever we were doing was too weird and distasteful and either kicking us off, banning certain content, or changing the nature of the site until it was no longer viable as a host.
you’re referring to the LJ Strikethrough of 2007, which, being an ancient crone, I lived through, and since I was hanging out in the last vestiges of SGA and in bandom, I saw some of the fallout. this was before LJ was sold to the Russians (which is a whole ‘nother story), when it was still owned by Six Apart; in an effort to clean up LJ’s act, Six Apart decided to delete all accounts using tags like underage, incest, rape, etc.
this was supposed to get rid of actual child porn on the site, and I hope it did, but it also targeted fan communities. this was a problem for a couple reasons; for one thing, not every story tagged with these words is in favor of them; for another, these things happen to real people and these personal posts were also potentially in danger of being attacked; for the last one, look, I ain’t into this kind of fic but people write about what people write about, and if it’s fictional and not explicitly banned in the TOS (correct me if I’m wrong; I don’t think written content about this stuff was banned?) then it’s not cool for a content host to just start deleting communities without warning.
but that’s what happened! these deletions were also primarily targeting slash communities, which smacked of some serious homophobia since things were deleted that had nothing to do with any of this kind of content.
eventually someone found out it was this super conservative religious group who’d sent a list of journal names to Six Apart, and who if I remember correctly targeted slash fic on purpose, even after it became clear that the fic was, well, totally fictional. after a while, Six Apart admitted they’d made a mistake and started to reinstate journals, but all of fandom was pretty shaken up.
THEN Boldthrough happened, which was essentially the same debacle several months later, at which point fandom began its long slow migration from LJ to GJ, IJ, and eventually AO3, Twitter, and tumblr.
AO3 was opened in 2008 in response to several incidents, of which Strikethrough was a really intense one. remember, also, that back in 2008 the stigma surrounding fandom was significantly greater and more shameful than it is today, so finding hosts willing to archive fic was difficult unless someone had the dough to pay for server space – often not an option. this was also back when fanfic.net’s HTML restrictions were so great that users couldn’t use any special characters or bold or italicize anything, and it didn’t allow R-rated content, so it was clearly not ideal. in addition, although cease & desist letters were much less common than they were in the early 2000s and before, DMCA takedowns were still a phantom on the horizon.
LONG STORY SHORT, even though pedophilia is reprehensible and I personally cannot stomach fanfic that involves that kind of content, AO3 was founded specially as a safe space for fandom communities that could not find homes elsewhere. it requires warnings precisely for that reason, and if you find a story that is not properly warned, you can alert the admins and get the story labeled appropriately.
IDK, maybe it’s just because I am, again, ancient, but I was in and around fandom before homosexuality was legal in all 50 states. so were most of the people who started AO3. for most of my formative life, being gay was associated with pedophilia, and so was writing about gay characters. just – it’s a lot more complicated than you might expect, and there’s a reason many older fans who have been involved in several generations of fandom were so grateful to have AO3 as an option.
I don’t read, for example, Hydra Trash Party fics. They squick me, and I generally feel they are pretty gross. But writing noncon body-horror is not the same as saying “yeah, I totally want to go out and rape and torture people for years while brainwashing them!” or even “yeah, I wouldn’t do it myself, but it would be totally okay if someone did!” Nobody is hurt by it, and nobody is going to be hurt by it. So should I have the right to go, that is gross, you don’t get to write or read that? No.
In the same way, writing about underage teens getting it on–sometimes with each other, sometimes with adults, sometimes consensually, sometimes not–is not the same as child pornography, nor does reading a fic about Hermione and Snape getting it on while she was his student mean someone thinks that would be a good and/or healthy thing in real life.
Fiction affects reality, but fiction is not reality. And writing about something does not mean you want to do it in real life, or believe that anyone should.
Let’s take a closer look at that “Ao3 supports pedophilia!” shall we?
1) The only fics I have ever come across that had actual pedophilia (i.e. someone having sex with a child), it was clearly and explicitly abuse. It was not meant to titillate or arouse. It was meant to horrify. It was seldom explicit.
2) There’s a lot more incest, but it is usually portrayed either as explicitly mutually consensual (i.e. Sam/Dean) or as abusive.
3) I’ve been in fandom for a decade and a half. When people start getting upset at “omg pedophilia, think of the children!” the fics they are usually objecting to aren’t actually pedophilia. Usually, it is teenagers having sex, especially queer sex. And people don’t like that, and use pedophilia as an excuse to shame people for writing/reading sex they don’t like.
Let’s look closer at Strikethrough, shall we? I hope that, if there were any communities of actual pedophiles on LJ, they got taken down, too. But here are some of the communities that got taken down that were not in any way supporting pedophilia and/or rape and/or incest that got taken down:
1) at least one support community for survivors of sexual abuse.
2) a literary book discussion group that was reading Lolita.
3) lots of slash fanfic communities, for things like Draco/Harry fic set in their fourth year (when both boys would have been 15).
Basically, this very conservative “family values” group hated porn, and they hated queer stuff even more, and used “but think of the children, it’s pedophilia!” to pressure LJ to get rid of huge swathes of things they didn’t like. And one time taking down the worst of it wasn’t good enough for them. No, this was step one on a moral crusade. If you acceded to their demands, all that did was whet their appetite, and soon they would be back with a new list of demands. This is why the 2007 strikethrough was not an isolated event, but rather one of a series of events, nor was LJ the only website thus targeted. It starts with anything that can get labelled “pedophilia” or “incest” because that’s low-hanging fruit. But they use that to go after anything relating to queer teen sexuality. Then anything with teen sexuality. Then once the community is already divided and diminished, they go after anything with non-con. Then whatever is next on their list. It doesn’t stop until they’ve won the point and nothing but suitably “family-friendly” fics that match their purity test are allowed.
Which is why AO3 has no morality content in their terms of service. You can’t break copyright beyond fair use (and AO3 has an expansive view of “fair use” and a team of lawyers on call). You can’t use AO3 for commercial advertising. And you can’t post ACTUAL child pornography, i.e. the things that are legally prohibited, i.e. actual photographs or videos of actual children (not teens) in sexually explicit positions–you know, the stuff that actually hurts kids. Other than that? It’s fair game. You can post anything you want, and the archive will not judge. There is no handle for the Moral Majority Family-Friendly Thought Police to latch onto, no cracks they can exploit to divide and conquer.
We’ve been down that road. It doesn’t lead anywhere good.
Reblogging this for the excellent explanation of what exactly the moral crusaders did last time. They had an explicit agenda of anti-queerness, and they specifically targeted slash and femslash communities in particular, such that many ship communities became (or started as) deliberately members-only. You had to apply, and your personal blog had to look like a real person and a fan. You were vetted, a la 1990s private servers.
During this period, Dreamwidth was also targeted by attacking its payment processor. They had to get a new one. These “Warriors” (literally called themselves that!) were totally on board with destroying fandom as a side effect of destroying the parts of fandom they didn’t like.
If you’re carrying out harassment of people right now because they’re posting works with sexual elements you don’t agree with? (And it’s always sex, never non-sexual violence, how strange….) If you’re doing that, you’re also totally on board with destroying fandom as a side effect of destroying the parts of fandom you don’t like. Because your tactics are fandom-destroying, and so is your agenda.
reblogging because this is important: strikethru and boldthru and all the various “purges” that fandom went thru about 10 years ago: this had to do with OUTSIDERS deciding that fandom in general and fanfiction in specific were evil and needed to be destroyed; unless we were writing and shipping good vanilla M/F married people. These were outsiders, going after fictional writing about fictional characters.
AO3 and OTW are HUGE, because now we have an organization, with very smart women and a lot of lawyers, that have our back. Fannish history is important, people! It has not always been this way.
This is so, so important: there’s that other post about AO3 and fanfiction floating around, about our history. People decry violent video games but no one is trying to force companies out of business. But people can and do attack fanfiction: an activity primarily written by women for women, about fictional characters. And often about sex. We have to constantly defend ourselves, protect ourselves, support each other against charges like “paeodophilia”.
^^^rebageling again for excellent commentary
Throwing this in because I was also present: This was during the American Government’s attempts to pass censorship laws on the internet. As MOST of those domains had their serves in America, they were beholden to those censorship laws. A great deal of fanfiction.net was removed because they happened to lose a goddamn courtcase. I’ve been on the site since 2002. They may not have ‘officially’ allowed NC-17 rated content (what it used to be listed as in the filters), it never did a damn thing to remove it. Ever. They had it listed as a rating option during ‘New Story’ uploading after all. It was i nthe search filters. After they lost the courtcase however, they legally had to start doing things about the mature content reports they got. The admins and mods were not actively looking for fic to remove, they were just responding to reports they had already received.
tl;dr – I know tumblr is all about black and white “you’re either all right or all wrong” thinking, but it’s important to understand what actually happened before going “ew ao3 was made to give pedophiles a safe place to post” because that is 110% not what happened.
This is why so, so many of the comparatively older fannish folks on tumblr like me are so vehemently against stuff like the anti movement and “all ships are valid UNLESS”. It smacks of censorship and content policing – and we’ve been there. We got our shit deleted and our accounts banned because someone else thought what we were reading or writing or talking about needed to just… not exist. No warning. Literally overnight. We just woke up and stuff was gone.
And yeah, the group was legit called Warriors for Innocence (or maybe of). I knew several people that were members of survivor/support groups that lost their groups – and their main support network – when Strikethrough happened (ten years ago holy shit).
You antis need to listen when us older fans tell you that the censorship you’re advocating for, when put into practice, is NOT a positive thing; it’s an extremely scary thing!
I can guarantee that you would be very, very upset if another event like LJ Strikethrough were to happen today because *you* are just as vulnerable as the rest of us! If you support the rights of marginalized groups of people, if you’re a slash or fem slash shipper, if you support gender identities that aren’t defined by biological sex, if you care about representation, if you support women, if you have any kind of kink, if you care about fandom in any capacity beyond its eradication, YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY WANT THE SORT OF CENSORSHIP YOU’RE ADVOCATING!!
People were terrified during Strikethrough. I was there. Communities were being shut down, individual users were being shut down. People were losing access to their own fics, their feedback, their comments – a LOT went on in comments on LJ. Think more coherent reblogs, much more personal, very widespread. Comments were also very important, and in terms of networking/communicating, were absolutely critical.
LJ was, for many people, central.
It was a fundamental part of the infrastructure of fandom at the time.
Having it attacked, having parts of your fandom’s territory just deleted like that, was very very scary. People didn’t know who was next. Every day, the list of stricken journals grew. And not all of them came back, not all of them recovered their content. Some people even voluntarily deleted their content as a form of protest. It was a bad time.
You do not have to interact with fic that grosses you out or makes you uncomfortable. Tagging is a thing. And even outside of tags, you are responsible for curating your own fandom experience. It is not right to expect it to be curated for you. And it is not right to lash out when someone refuses to do so and expects you to walk away from things that do not concern you.
I was gonna say “things that don’t harm anyone” but I realize you can argue that. If you get triggered, that’s upsetting. That could be considered harm. And I have sympathy for that. I do.
I have run across fic that triggered me. I have pretty specific triggers, and people don’t always think to warn for them because they aren’t that big a deal for a lot of people. Or it’s sort of bundled into kink and is presumed, that if you’re okay with certain kinds of kink, you’re okay with this. So I’ve been blindsided by it before. And it sucks for a couple of days while I get over it.
That was not the fault of the authors! You could argue that tagging should have been used, and maybe it should, but ultimately that’s not an ironclad obligation. It’s a tool people provide out of courtesy.
That was not the fault of the site! The site is there to give authors a way to make fiction available, not to judge each work and interrogate its validity and make sure everything is tagged so that nobody has to see anything bad, ever.
That was not even my fault! It was my responsibility to try to curate my experience, and I tried, but it wasn’t my fault because I didn’t deliberately set out to trigger myself.
When I get triggered, unless it is by a deliberate act, it is actually the fault of the people who hurt me in the first place! And I refuse to let them off the hook and blame perfectly innocent people who just wanna write their fanfiction! I may hate that fanfiction, but that is irrelevant to the question of whether or not people should be allowed to post whatever they want.
Also, some people cope by writing about fucked-up shit. My best friend in the whole wide world has shared her fic with me, and HOO BOY it is messed up. She wrote it during a time in her life when she was in and just coming out of a horrifically abusive relationship. I mean, it was exactly the kind of relationship all of us here on Tumblr love to hate. She was married to a shitty, abusive man who preyed on someone younger than he was and used his influence over her to treat her in a way that would be right at home in that Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? He was a real rapist, a verified grade-A bad fuckin’ guy. (She was lucky to escape. I have immense respect for her.) And she wrote some fucked up fic to deal with it, and she shared it, and people were invested in it. And because this was early 2000′s, she had to host it on a foreign server and cover her tracks, because at that time no-place was safe to post it.
“Yeah, but if she’s writing it for therapy, she doesn’t have to post it where other people might have to see it!” I hear you say.
But like … what the hell??? “Shut up, don’t talk about it, it’s bad to talk about these things, because these things are bad!” is something used against folks with trauma.
“This isn’t good for me, I can’t talk about this, I can’t be your audience for this,” that’s fine, those are boundaries that people with trauma use to defend themselves. You should learn to say those things! It will help you!
But expecting other people to never create and share art about trauma is just so thunderously oppressive I lack the ability to fully articulate it.
And nobody should have to disclose their history of trauma to prove their motives are pure or virtuous enough for their speech to be protected. I’ve only really been able to openly say “I was assaulted, it was traumatic, I am a little fucked up from it” for the past couple of years, tops. I couldn’t talk about it before that. Couldn’t! And it was over 20 years ago!
I also believe, very firmly, that you don’t need a history of abuse to find writing really messed-up shit satisfying, or to find reading it cathartic. I believe 100% in the freedom of creative expression, and the freedom to read whatever fucked up shit you want to read.
All y’all fandom youngsters can spit nails all you want over gross rape fic, incest fic, whatever.
Fine, I don’t like it either!
But that fucked up shit? That fucked up shit helped carve out the spaces we have today. You don’t have to like it, but campaigning to get it deleted, harassing content creators, calling people rapists and pedophiles who have never done and would never ever do such a thing, that is not the way to improve the world, it doesn’t keep actual kids or teens or assault/rape victims safe. It wouldn’t have made me feel safe when I was 16 and did’t want what was going on. It doesn’t make me feel safe now. I can say with the perspective of someone 24 years away from that event, it doesn’t make the world safer for people like I was. It actually makes it worse.
Learn to steer clear of the messed-up stuff you don’t like. It’s a skill, you get better with practice. Have someone else vet stuff for you if you need help doing it now.
Everything that is sketchy and gross is not criminal, and writing about a thing is not morally the same as doing it. Please stop acting like writing about an adult and a teenager having really questionable, gross sex is as bad as the actual registered sex offender they caught hanging around an actual elementary school two neighborhoods over from mine, just trying to talk to the kids. The former is, at most, in poor taste, and potentially triggering to abuse victims. The second makes me want to vomit because even though he was just talking, that guy was gearing up to try something and create another abuse victim. A g a i n.
The first can be avoided because it is imaginary and you, an adult, have power over your back button so that you don’t have to witness harm to imaginary people. The second, those very real kids had to rely on real adults and real law enforcement to keep them safe from very real assault.
(It worked! The neighborhood rallied! He was arrested for violating parole!)
Pretty sure Sleazebag McDongface didn’t read some gross NC-17 Draco/Lucius fic before deciding to harm an actual human being. Pretty sure not having read it didn’t keep him from doing it. ‘Cause he fuckin’ did it. And he would have done worse. But actual people stopped him.
I get wanting to protect victims when so many of us are victims ourselves, but man, going after fiction is not the way to do it.
An author is not a perpetrator. Stop trying to make those things synonymous in the minds of other fans, and in the minds of other recovering victims.
OK, I know this is somewhat tangential, but does anyone else wonder to what extent the assault on LJ communities (and its Russian ownership) might have been an early stage in the general Russian infowar against the US and “liberalism” writ large?
to constantly bring up the use of sex-denial as an abuse tactic in discussions about asexuals dating non-asexuals is to carefully try and associate the two in people’s minds.
this is a concept i’ve been looking for the words for for days now.
to be honest, this was the unspoken main point of many of the arguments i’ve made up until now.
and i’m glad i was finally able to put my finger on it and say it concisely.
this is not a new idea. I’ve heard, from straight people, for years, that if i were to date a “normal” person, I’d be abusing them. Just for being asexual. And in a relationship they consented to being in and are in no obligation to stay in. Suggesting that sex-repulsed people are abusing their partners is far from new.
ooh hoo I have a lot of thoughts about this. cw for discussions of domestic abuse, sexual assault, rape.
forcing sex on anyone w/out consent or by coercion is rape.
queer/asexual/bisexual people are already at greater risk for intimate domestic abuse. we are MORE LIKELY to be raped or assaulted by a partner than other demographics simply because of our identities.
framing asexuality as inherently abusive is a form of violence against asexual people, many of whom are also queer/abuse survivors/women/neurodivergent.
denial of sex AS AN ABUSE TACTIC is part and parcel with other forms of abuse- denial of emotional intimacy, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. it is meant to extract something from the partner being targeted, or to break down their willpower. it must have the effect and intention of deliberately hurting the partner, then after the partner caves the sex will be given again.
nobody in any relationship is required to have sex with anyone, at any time. that’s why marital rape exists as a concept. you are the sole owner and arbiter of your own body. you do not OWE sex to anybody. you choose to have sex with a partner when and if you both consent to it.
if you don’t want to be in a relationship with a person who doesn’t want or can’t have sex, who has a low libido, who doesn’t want to have the kind of sex that you enjoy, then DON’T get into a relationship with them. It’s that simple. same if you realize you and your partner’s sexual needs don’t align later on. either find a compromise that works for both parties, or break up.
asexual people aren’t abusing anyone simply by existing. we aren’t trying to ‘trap’ anyone into an unpleasant relationship. we all deserve to have our needs met, but it’s absolutely essential to have your partner’s needs respected too.
^^^^^^
This. framing asexuals and arospec folks as abusive by denying sex for existing as they are is two things in one:
2.
An identity attack via weaponizing the victim’s very own identity to gaslight/neg them into sex COMBINED WITH another violently disgusting Identity attack via script-flipping-based, smokescreen for projecting the -actual abuser’s- entitlement ONTO the victim, so that victim looks like the bad guy and therefore deserves to be coerced until they give in, or abused, or tricked and/or have thier bodies forced upon, because thier partner/friend/whoever wants to have sex with them so OBVIOUSLY they deserve to and the ace/bi person’s Just Being Really Mean By Refusing To Fuck Them!! Waah!
™
And yes, I am speaking from experience. i’ve had to throw out a garbage man from my life who was once a friend of almost 20 yrs for this exact fuckery. Real turd in the pillow.
It’s another facet of Rape Culture based entitlement and we see this fuckety-ass batshit flung at Queer/Bi/Acespec and Arospec folks all the goddamn time.
this is a post from that era of discourse i’ve been discussing a lot today.
just to give everyone a feel of what we were saying about it at the time.
It always comes down to the fact that we are not perceived as sexually available. Always. That’s why they hate us.
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