to constantly bring up the use of sex-denial as an abuse tactic in discussions about asexuals dating non-asexuals is to carefully try and associate the two in people’s minds.
this is a concept i’ve been looking for the words for for days now.
to be honest, this was the unspoken main point of many of the arguments i’ve made up until now.
and i’m glad i was finally able to put my finger on it and say it concisely.
this is not a new idea. I’ve heard, from straight people, for years, that if i were to date a “normal” person, I’d be abusing them. Just for being asexual. And in a relationship they consented to being in and are in no obligation to stay in. Suggesting that sex-repulsed people are abusing their partners is far from new.
ooh hoo I have a lot of thoughts about this. cw for discussions of domestic abuse, sexual assault, rape.
forcing sex on anyone w/out consent or by coercion is rape.
queer/asexual/bisexual people are already at greater risk for intimate domestic abuse. we are MORE LIKELY to be raped or assaulted by a partner than other demographics simply because of our identities.
framing asexuality as inherently abusive is a form of violence against asexual people, many of whom are also queer/abuse survivors/women/neurodivergent.
denial of sex AS AN ABUSE TACTIC is part and parcel with other forms of abuse- denial of emotional intimacy, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. it is meant to extract something from the partner being targeted, or to break down their willpower. it must have the effect and intention of deliberately hurting the partner, then after the partner caves the sex will be given again.
nobody in any relationship is required to have sex with anyone, at any time. that’s why marital rape exists as a concept. you are the sole owner and arbiter of your own body. you do not OWE sex to anybody. you choose to have sex with a partner when and if you both consent to it.
if you don’t want to be in a relationship with a person who doesn’t want or can’t have sex, who has a low libido, who doesn’t want to have the kind of sex that you enjoy, then DON’T get into a relationship with them. It’s that simple. same if you realize you and your partner’s sexual needs don’t align later on. either find a compromise that works for both parties, or break up.
asexual people aren’t abusing anyone simply by existing. we aren’t trying to ‘trap’ anyone into an unpleasant relationship. we all deserve to have our needs met, but it’s absolutely essential to have your partner’s needs respected too.
^^^^^^
This. framing asexuals and arospec folks as abusive by denying sex for existing as they are is two things in one:
2.
An identity attack via weaponizing the victim’s very own identity to gaslight/neg them into sex COMBINED WITH another violently disgusting Identity attack via script-flipping-based, smokescreen for projecting the -actual abuser’s- entitlement ONTO the victim, so that victim looks like the bad guy and therefore deserves to be coerced until they give in, or abused, or tricked and/or have thier bodies forced upon, because thier partner/friend/whoever wants to have sex with them so OBVIOUSLY they deserve to and the ace/bi person’s Just Being Really Mean By Refusing To Fuck Them!! Waah!
™
And yes, I am speaking from experience. i’ve had to throw out a garbage man from my life who was once a friend of almost 20 yrs for this exact fuckery. Real turd in the pillow.
It’s another facet of Rape Culture based entitlement and we see this fuckety-ass batshit flung at Queer/Bi/Acespec and Arospec folks all the goddamn time.
this is a post from that era of discourse i’ve been discussing a lot today.
just to give everyone a feel of what we were saying about it at the time.
It always comes down to the fact that we are not perceived as sexually available. Always. That’s why they hate us.
Tag: actually asexual
asexuality should be taught in health classes. bisexuality should be taught in health classes. being gay/lesbian should be taught in health classes. pansexuality should be taught in health classes. all sexualities should be taught in health classes. can’t believe this is a thing people are legitimately arguing about.
Asexuality should not be taught in health classes because teenagers are still young and may not know whether they are capable of feeling sexual attraction or not why is this so hard for you people to get Jesus Christ
Car safety should not be taught because kids are too young to know if they’ll ever own a car and might not be capable of driving one
Personal experience here: I got my sexual health education in Grade 6 in the early 1980s. The sum total of discussion about bisexuality in that textbook?
“Same-sex crushes in adolescence is normal, and do not necessarily indicate that you’ll become homosexual.”
Needless to say, not having any accurate information that bisexuality existed really screwed me up when I did become sexually active 8 years later.
I really don’t understand the second poster’s point of view here.
Sure, teenagers may not know whether they are capable of feeling sexual attraction or not at this point in time, but they’re not stupid.
If you tell a teenager something like “some people don’t feel sexual attraction until later in their development, and some people never end up feeling sexual attraction at all,” they’ll still figure it out if/when it hits them.
In the mean time, as a thirty-three year old woman who spent FIFTEEN YEARS waiting for “sexual attraction” to finally kick in, before I finally learned enough about asexuality to realize that it applied to me?
I could have really used that fucking health class.
Sixteen to seventeen years, here, and I could have really used something other than: it’ll happen eventually – you’ll get married someday, and “your desire will be for your husband”. (That’s Genesis 3:16.) Would’ve been really nice to know that there were options that were not marrying a man or (in)voluntary celibacy. I was never interested in marriage, especially the skewed view I was given of what it should be, and the thought of answering to a man in my everyday life made me cringe. So, yeah. Not telling me it was an option just made me think I was wrong somehow, especially with all the talk of everyone struggling with sexual urges. Don’t even get me started on “True Love Waits.”
Hi! I recently had a difficult confrontation with someone in the LGBT community who says that A-people shouldn’t participate in the LGBT movement because the movement “is meant to celebrate non-heterosexual sex” and that A-people are “weakening” it. I say that my saying “not applicable” to sexual desire is just as revolutionary as non-heterosexual activity. Is there a good resolution to this divide that’s mutually supportive for all us non-het-sex people?
Ever notice how LGBT people were “othered” and now at times that is mirrored back at us. It’s similar to how kids are bullied and become nerds only to bully people who aren’t nerdy enough. Anyways—
LGBT people who are truly inclusive and open minded don’t have issues with asexuals. They welcome asexuals. Aces and other a-spec people can also help the movement, but I’m getting off track again.
So, yes I fully think that a good resolution can and will happen and the answer is simply more awareness.
I don’t wonder if it’s because some aces have heteroromantic relationships, which, from the outside, would appear to be straights invading LGBT spaces. Doesn’t excuse the attitude, but it might explain it.
There’s also probably an element of thinking that aces aren’t nearly as discriminated against as the rest of the LGBT community.
Which, to be fair, I’m ace, and no one gives a single fuck, as far as I know, not even the co-workers of mine who know I have zero interest in dating. They may think it’s a little weird, but they’re very live and let live.
Okay yes you got me.
I did indeed start identifying as asexual because I’m on Tumblr.
And you know what.
If I wasn’t on Tumblr, if this website hadn’t taught me that wonderful little word, I would still be identifying as what I did before Tumblr.
Would you like me to tell you what that word was?
Broken.
Tumblr backup 