Dean is fine. The way he sees it, things are simple. He had a house and a family and food in his stomach, and now he doesn’t. And yeah, that’s a downer, but he’s not going to let that stop him from being fine, because he’s in control of the situation. He definitely doesn’t need anyone to save him. And it’s not like the weird guy with the nice butt from down the road is the knight-in-shining-armor type, anyway.
There are stories that put your through an emotional wringer by showing how unfair life can be, and then there are stories that make everything ten times worse by having characters accept their situation with a smile. This is the latter one. The fic starts with Dean bringing terminally ill John home from the hospital and becoming his only caretaker. The loneliness that envelopes him is only heightened by everybody else not giving a damn about John or Dean. Sam, Bobby, Ellen are all well meaning, but not really observant. After all, Dean never asks for help, he must be doing good, right? Dean’s so used to being neglected by everybody that he internalized it with gusto. And so, the slow descent into eating disorder hell starts.
This beautifully written, poignant fic has a phenomenal Dean’s voice – full of raw emotions and bitter, self-deprecating humor. The fic is a great example of showing not telling. Instead of describing anorexia and caretaker burnout symptoms, it immerses the reader straight into the mental trap that prevents Dean from caring about himself. The fic is very honest about depression and it may hit harder if you’re already suffering from it. But fear not, there’s also hope and climbing out of the dark hole of despair. When everybody left Dean alone, a stranger extended a helping hand and became the only person Dean could really count on. The tentative friendship between Dean and Cas blossoms slowly but surely, mostly because of Cas’ stubbornness. And while Cas has his own struggles, he’s the one who understands Dean the most. In the end, they save each other.
Summary: In his head Dean understands that no one is actually leaving him, but as they pack boxes and tear down beds it sure feels that way. Sam is moving in with his fiance Jess, his best friends Cas and Benny deployed to Afghanistan, and Dean is going to live on his own for the next eight months until Cas gets back and they resume their roles as roommates.
Just before they finish loading the moving truck Dean finds a long-forgotten box under Cas’s bed crammed full of handwritten letters. Most of them are from Cas’s sister Anna, but some are labeled for Dean. He can only resist reading for so long, and once he starts he can’t stop. Each letter reveals more of Cas’s perspective on their relationship over the four years they’ve known each other, and with each one Dean finds himself changing too.
Pairing: Castiel/Dean
Rating: Mature
Status: COMPLETE 17/17
Current Word Count: 56,337 words
Tags: love letter au, soldier!cas, mechanic!dean, pining, soooooo much pining, selectively mute Dean Winchester, unrequited love, John Winchester’s A+ parenting, depression,
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